Golden Brown, texture like sun

I want a baby...

Sun, 02 Oct 2005 06:29:12 GMT

There is something about the fall that gets me in the weirdest emotional mood. I sit down to do homework and I can't even think. Last year, and all the years before, I had a never-ending list of things that I was grateful for and people I truly loved. This year, it seems the list has shrunken drastically. However, the things that are left on the list just seem to be much more important and close to my heart. Here are a list of things and people I am so thankful to have in my life (in no particular order):

-Denny, where would I be without him?

-My parents and brother, they mean the world to me. It hurts me more than anything to see someone hurt them.

-My job, I'm starting to fee like I'm made to work at Macys, as cheesey as that sounds. I do so well there, and can tell I'm so appreciated there.

-School, I just wish I was more intelligent to do the things I really want to do.. like Bill Maher.

-My extended family, on both my parents' sides, how lucky I am to have so many amazing cousins, who I am so close to. It's like having 50 brothers and sisters. And wonderful aunts, uncles, and grandparents.

-My true best friends like Shayna, Sarah, Andra, and Jeanine. Never in my life have they ever doubted me, and have always been there when the rest of the world let me down. Oh and because really, too many other people in my life have just come and gone. But not them. Never them.

-My volleyball team, they remind me of being young, when life was simple. They remind me of what a remarkable experience growing up truly is. How special it is to watch these eleven girls since they were in fifth grade to mature and to be apart of it.

-Mr. Hall, always been the best mentor to me. Couldn't have done a lot without him.

-All the girls at work (and a few boys), I never thought I could become so close with those I work with. The friends at work have become to be some of my closest friends I have.

I have to make some of the hardest decisions in the soon months to come. I really need to move to Sacramento, and I want to, too, but it's just that it's going to be so hard to leave these wonderful things and people behind. I don't feel like I'm good enough at one particular subject to major in. And I have no clue what I want to do, and I'm afraid of putting a lot of time and money into school if I end up not doing anything with it.

I also decided I absolutely want a baby. Working with Hilary is such an amazing experience. She carries a baby... okay, but really think about it... she carries a baby. It's so neat. She can feel which way the baby is laying, sitting, or stretching. It's like she and her baby have this connection that no one else in the world have. And it makes me realize how much someone's mother really means to him/her. You have this unique bond with your baby that no one else in the entire world can have. How amazing. I want that so bad. I know it's not time for me, yet... but i'm just saying that I can't wait for that time to get here.

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 17:05:44 GMT

So we got a frantic call from Cousin Chad last night that Cousin Cory was found in his room not breathing. He was unconscious for fifteen minutes. Not breathing. Breathing. Not breathing. Breathing. His eyes were rolling in the back of his head. He was drooling. He was on the ground. He was saying things like, "Just let me go." And this was all we knew.

Thom and I spent most the night up at the hospital. He is okay. Thank goodness. What a scare. Cousin Lori and Ryan thought he was gone. Could you imagine? Cory. Gone. Dead. Not alive. Not here. Gone. Forever. It freaked me out.

And it just made me realize that every single problem I've had in my life in the last week is nothing. I'm over everything. My family is what I need to focus on. I have school, and work, and volleyball, which I pour my heart and soul into. Any energy I have left over is being spent on my family. Life is too precious to be crying over people who don't care about me, or crying over something someone said to me. Just don't fuck with my family, or I'll kill you. They're all I have, and they're all I need.

My cousin almost died last night, and everything else in this world seemed like nothing. Because it is nothing. All these problems I had. NOTHING. My cousin almost dying, life changing.

Happy birthday, Dad.

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 03:02:49 GMT

Well lots of shit has happened in the last few days. Lots. I definitely have decided to be completely through with people forever. From here on out the only thing in life that matters is my family, work, and school. I'm so happy volleyball started. It just keeps me that much busier. And it's fun. My girls are amazing this year. I can't wait for the season to start.

My roommate sucks. She said some really, really, really shitty things to me about the person I am. And she wouldn't stop. I was crying, and it was like she fed off my tears, and got meaner and meaner. It was horrible. She really ruined me. But it will only make me stronger in the end. I was only trying to make things better, and do the right thing. But once again, I got shat on. I'm just over this shit. Get out of my life, and leave me alone.

And so today, my world it smiles... my hand with yours, we walk the miles

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 08:59:51 GMT

Well I just took a really long nap, and now I can't sleep. So I thought I'd wait up for my baby to get home. I was bored and completely forgot about livejournal. So here I am... I think it would be pretty cool to start writing again. I really should have been writing for this last year. It has been an amazing year. Mainly because of Denny. But also for a few other things. Lets see...

-I've been working at macys for over a year now. I'm doing very well there, making lots of money.

-I really keep to myself. I stay home a lot. Friends come to me, if they care to be with me. And I've come to find out that those are the friends that really matter.

-My brother means the world to me. I've also come to realize that he is the most amazing person ever. Him and Denny. The things Thom says just seems to fit perfectly in my weird little head. He always makes me feel better, and always sticks up for me, which is the best thing.

-Denny bought me a dozen roses the other day. It was so special. Seriously, I can't even describe Denny anymore. He is my world. Even though he doesn't always understand me, he's always there for me. He holds me so perfectly, and he loves me so perfectly. We have really changed in the last year, and grown that much closer.

-I'm moving to Sac in January to go to Sac State. I'm really looking forward to it. Get out of this town... go somewhere where nobody knows me. Just me and Denny. I'll be transferring to the Arden Fair Macys. My friend I work with is moving with us. Our apartments there are pretty sweet. There are five different pools spread out the entire complex, a workout room, a rec room, it's a half mile from Sac State, and a mile from work.

-Volleyball starts tomorrow.

-I don't want to be a teacher anymore, as of a year ago. I have no clue what I want to do, but right now my major is leaning toward Women's Studies and Political Science.

-I smoke a lot.

-My best friend, Shayna, got married the other week. It was beautiful.

-I miss my old friends, like Garrett, Sean, and Brian.

-Went to a Tom Petty concert in Sac with Jeanine the other night. It was amazing.

-Michelle and I met up and talked things through. We're not best friends, or anything, but we really did connect and forgive one another for the shitty things of the past.

-I'm really growing up. I'm very, very responsible. I work at Macys full-time, coach volleyball part-time, and go to school full-time. Which leaves me really no free time at all, and what free time I do have is spent doing pointless homework assignments for my Logic class, and spending time with Denny, and smoking lots. And frankly, if you're not in the same boat as me, then I want nothing to do with you at this time of my life. I'm tired of being a kid... it's time to really grow up.

And that's enough for now.

Thu, 27 Jan 2005 05:14:19 GMT

I know it's been a long time... I'm starting a new journal, because I'm a new person. I will let everyone know what my new username is. Be sure to add me on my new name.

Fri, 22 Oct 2004 03:57:28 GMT

I've been seeing my family doctor. I have to see him every ten days. He prescribed me to Prozac. I still haven't started it. I don't know. I can't handle a lot of things. He says I suffer from separation anxiety. I suffer from this from two people: when Denny is at work and I'm by myself at night. And the second is I suffer from being separated from my best friend. He says I'm still attached and blah blah... pretty much telling me I need medication to get over my best friend. He says I'm obsessive compulsive, and have anxiety disorder... who woulda thought? And I have depression. Ick. Knowing that just makes me depressed.

I thought of you fourteen times today. I miss you. I'm weak, I hate to admit it. I saw you last night, and things didn't go so well. I tried to call you today, and I knew you wouldn't call back.

Fri, 08 Oct 2004 03:32:36 GMT

I'm home right now because I bought Fahrenheit 9/11 the other day and my dad is going to watch it... and of course I have to be here when he does watch it so I can see him start to hate Bush as much as me and so I can say, "I told you so..."

Speaking of Michael Moore... I've been getting into him a lot more lately. I've always loved him and admired him, but now I feel it's time I really know him and everything he stands for. He is truly amazing. If any of you have time you really should rent his TV show he had on air in 99-2000, The Awful Truth. It's so funny and so great. Michael Moore has done so much for this world, it's so incredible.... watch the show and see just a few of the things he has done. It's crazy what just ONE person can do. It really is.

Anyway... on to things about ME. haha. Things are going good. I'm actually happy. I'm over a ton of things, which I really couldn't see happening. I thought I was going to be depressed for a really long time over some of the things and people that have recently decided to leave my life. I don't know how, but somehow I got some kind of closure...or maybe I just don't have enough energy to even care. Maybe it's just the fact that I need friends that can just understand me and the things I feel. I'm in love, and I've found the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life, and I can't have friends who don't accept that and understand that. I also need friends who will be happy for me and proud of me. I'm finally working... a lot at that. I finally have a car. I need friends to be proud of me for that, not hate me because I work so much and go to school that I have no time to hang out with them. I barely see Denny because our schedules are completely the opposite. But Denny is amazing and understands that, and that's why he's still in my life. He loves me and he's happy for me and he's proud of me. Sarah too. =)

Well sorry to blab so much. I guess I will go now.

It's weird, because I seem to say this every year... but it's funny how much more you realize about life every day. I seem to wake up more and more every day. I seem to realize who my true friends are so much more often. The ones who stick by me through thick and thin... not just the good times. And the ones who return my phone calls.

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 04:37:08 GMT

So last night I was just sitting there listening to a CD Denny made like eight months ago. And there's this song "Golden Brown" on the CD, and the song reminds me of Denny. It was the first serious fight we ever got in, and I was crying until four in the morning and I got on the computer and he came and sat by me and said, "Download Golden Brown" and I did, and not only is Denny my Golden Brown, but the song just overall reminds me of how Denny has been there for me and what he's done for me and how far we've come. I just started crying. Here's the song:
"Gloden Brown"

Golden brown texture like sun
Lays me down WITH my mind she runs
Throughout the night
No need to fight
Never a frown with golden brown

Every time just like the last
On her ship tied to the mast
To distant lands
Takes both my hands
Never a frown with golden brown

Golden brown finer temptress
Through the ages she's heading west
From far away
Stays for a day
Never a frown with golden brown

Never a frown
With golden brown
Never a frown
With golden brown

At Brian's brother's wedding, he said, "Love comes around only once in awhile, but it's luck that brings you to find each other and if you're not in love yet, I hope you're lucky." and I loved that. It really is luck. If you have someone you love, you're lucky to have found that person.

I also have come to believe that people do complete each other. I think that without Denny, I'm only half, and without me, he's only half. Last night he introduced me to his friend as, "This is my better half, Jackey." And it made me feel so warm that he thinks of me as his better half.

Someone, wake me up, this isn't supposed to happen to me. There's no way that the love of my life actually loves me more than life itself too. What? Is this for reals?

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 19:53:59 GMT

It's been awhile. I've been so busy coaching volleyball, I put in like 25 hours a week at Bella Vista. Then I work about another 25 hours at Macys. Then there's school, which it seems to be my hardest semester.

I miss all my friends, and always plan on hanging out, but when the time comes, I'm always just too tired. No one seems to understand that too. It's not thatI don't want to hang out, I just don't want to go out.

I'm so depressed. I cry everyday and everynight. I feel bad that denny has to live with someone like me... i'm never happy. But he tells me I'm what makes him happy and he's there for me, which means so much.

I feel like I'm losing my only friends. The only people that matter to me. I feel like I'm growing up, and in this process everything feels like it's falling apart. According to my best friend, it IS falling apart. It kills me. I don't want it to fall apart. I can't help that I'm too tired to go out and party. I can't help that I am putting in 50 hours of work a week between my two jobs, and then another 35 for school.

Why can't I still be 17 with no job, and only a night life?

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 20:55:35 GMT

IT's been quite a while. I haven't been around a computer at all. I've been so busy too. I rarely hang out anymore because I'm always just too tired.

But anyway... just a recap on my life lately:

Happy late birthday to my dad, to Sarah, and to Denny!

Happy birthday tomorrow to Shayna!

Denny and I are together... officially... finally. eeek!

I'm so happy.

I gotta get going to volleyball.

Oh baby can't you see, I'm callin'...

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 04:33:39 GMT

I decided to come home tonight since I miss my family so much. Well I think it's the other way around. My mom really misses me. She calls me every day and begs me to come stay a night at home. So tonight, since I had some laundry to do and Denny went to work early, I decided to come stay out here tonight.

I've been so busy. I miss my friends so much. I tried calling them today but no one called me back. I'm sure they're just as busy as me.

I am working about 20-25 hours a week. It really isn't that much, but you throw in school, and Bella Vista and it's a lot. Volleyball try-outs are on Tuesday. So starting this week, I will be putting in a good 25-30 hours at bella vista a week (that's including volleyball and my volunteer hours in the classroom). Anyway, some good news... Mr. Hall has most likely talked the principal of the school to pay me for volleyball. I will make about $1,000 a season. Cool, huh?

Today, a customer filled out a CRL all about me and how I'm great... which means I get a $50 bonus for being "outstanding in customer service"... whoop whoop.

I got my license.

Umm... I think that's all. I don't know what else to write.

SO many birthdays in the next few weeks. I need more money to buy presents:
Sept 5 - My dad!
Sept 8- Sarah bear!
Sept 12 - Denny!
Sept 14 - Shayners!

AHHH!

Mon, 23 Aug 2004 04:18:32 GMT

"I sleep so much better with you here. Why don't you just move in?"

So tomorrow, it's official. I'm moving into Denny's apartment.

Whoa.

Tie your shoes...

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 07:14:12 GMT

I had orientation on Monday, and today was my first day of training. I like it so far. My feet hurt rull bad from the damn dress shoes I have to wear. bleh. Anyway, I work again tomorrow and Saturday.

School is cool. I am taking Public Speaking, Spanish, Physical Science Survey, Education 94+97, and volleyball. I really like all my classes. I go Monday thru Friday, which I'm not used to, because since I've graduated from high school I've made my schedule be Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I've still been at Denny's a lot. I just decided to come home tonight since he had to work and I didn't want to stay there alone. He's the only person I've seen or even talked to these last few days. It's sad. I feel weird not talking to or seeing my girls. By the way, my cell phone got turned off, so if any of you need to reach me, your best bet will probably be trying Denny's apartment.

Well I guess that's it. I'm pretty busy now. NOthing too exciting. But I wanted to update anyway.

I've had my wake up, won't you wake up...

Sat, 14 Aug 2004 05:48:46 GMT

These last few days have been insane, for sure.

A fire broke out in Jones Valley, my neighborhood. Just in my neighborhood alone, it burnt about 40 homes. We have been evacuated from our house for three days... not knowing if our house is still standing or what. We were sure it was down since the fire tore through our entire neighborhood. The fire is still going, but has finished hitting our neighborhood. Finally at five o'clock this evening, residents were allowed back into the neighborhood. My house was still there. The fire has burned over 8,000 acres and is 60% contained. As I was relieved that our house was safe, I drove around the neighborhood and saw so many of my friends' and neighbors' burnt houses. I drove by my friend Tom McCoy's house and cried because it wasn't there. Tom is mentally retarded and has a mother in a wheel chair because she is paralyzed from the neck down. Tom was standing in the middle of his leveled-down house crying. I got out of the car and hugged him. I just can't stop thinking about him. I don't know where he is going to go or what he is going to do. He doesn't have family and he's pretty much incapable of taking care of himself, let alone his mother as well. It crushes me.

I am asking everyone, and trying to spread the word, that I am trying to get together a little fund for Tom. I want it to be from the Foothill High School Class of 2003... so please pass on the word. Any donation... five bucks to fifty bucks is greatly appreciated. I'm going to open an account just for him and in a few weeks, I'm going to give him all the money we have saved up. Sarah is going to help, and I'm sure Shayna is too once I talk to her about it. If you would like to donate any money, please email me or post here and let me know.

In addition to that... moving on to some happy things. I've been hanging out with friends. We've been having fun nights. This is the last weekend of summer. School starts on Monday! I also start work on Monday. I become a woman all in one day! haha.

Autumn left back to Long Beach. I already miss her. I love you, Aut.

I guess that's all for now. <3

la dee freakin' daaah

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 09:50:01 GMT

I'm never home, which is why I never update. Unfortunately, I miss the Internet.

Not much has been going on, I pretty much live at Denny's. He's so amazing. Everyday I wake up and look at him and realize more and more just how much I love him. I love how he lays with me and holds me and pats my head and butt until I'm asleep. I love the way he tells me I'm beautiful when I don't really think I am. I love the way he calls me poopy. I love the way he looks. I love the way he comes up behind me when I'm cooking or doing dishes and puts his arms around me and kisses me. Okay so I just love him.

I am with Courtney and Autumn right now. We're at TJ and Heather's.... and we are getting ready to go get coffee and then do some laundry, so we have to go stop by Denny's. I will try to update more later.

It's all uphill from here...

Wed, 04 Aug 2004 03:01:37 GMT

I got a job at Macy*s. i start this weekend. I was rull scared for the interview because I can only work on Friday, Saturday, and Sundays so I didn't think I would even have a chance at getting the job. It was a group interview with five other girls. And I got a job, and I think one or two others got a job too. I'm really excited.

I'm pretty excited for school to start.

You want to hear me? Just let me cry...

Sun, 25 Jul 2004 22:51:33 GMT

Something these last few days has made me feel really alive. Like my life is really some character in a book or a movie.

-My Feather... no one gets me like she does. I really feel like our brains are connected or something. Sometimes she's the only one that laughs at my jokes, and it's never a courtesy laugh... it's always cracking up. I am thankful everyday I look at Heather and see her smile that she is my best friend.

-Chellebelle... would walk across the world and back to make the impossible possible if that's what I needed. No. Not even if it's what I needed, but if it's what I wanted, she'd do it.

-Denny Lathan... he's amazing and has changed me in ways I can't explain.

-Mikey... who else can smile with his eyes? Only he can. The most genuine person I know.

-My brother, Thom... definitely the coolest brother anyone could ask for. He's loved by all. He makes things that are lame become the coolest things ever. Not to mention, he's the funniest person I know.

-Autumn Bottom Brown... I try to replay this last year without her, and can't comprehend how I made it possible. Home for the summer and it feels like she never left for even one day. Now I can't see living another year without her.

-Sarah Bear... She's the one person who tells you you're right even if you're wrong. She doesn't need to know the other side of the story, just my side is the side that matters to her. Always there to protect you or comfort you.

-Shayna Bo Bayna... that best friend that people only have in stories. I don't have to see her everyday, but know I can call her anytime and know she will be honest with me and understand me. She never judges me, and she thinks I'm as amazing as I think she is.

-Brian, Garrett, Sean, Kevin, Cory, Chad, Andy, TJ, Elliot... my boys. Just knowing that I actually have a group of boys so special enough that I refer to them as "my boys" is so warming and makes me smile.

-Andra... I know we haven't talked lately, but you're special to me.

All these people make life perfect. Of course, there are tons more people and I could continue this list forever, but these are the people who were on my mind just now.

And this song reminds me of freshman year.

Get your big head on the floor...

Fri, 23 Jul 2004 09:09:29 GMT

Look out: Heather, Michelle and I are making the bombest ghetto mix ever. It will murder. It will Disturb tha Peace. Let me know if you want a copy... it's something fierce, yo. Shoooot, son.

THE GIT GIT GHETTO MIX
Usher - "Caught up"
Jay-Z - "99 Problems"
Chingy + Trina + JD - "Right Thurr"
Fat Joe - "Lean Back"
Miss Jade - "Big Head"
St. Lunatics - "Breathe in, Breath out"
Kanye West - "Workout Plan"
Trina + Fabolous - "We Tight"
Ja Rule - "Murder Reigns"
Missy Elliott - "Let it bump"
Ludacris + Trina - "Be Alright"
Lloyd Banks - "Warrior"
Dr. Dre - "Explosive"
Jagged Edge - "Where the party at"
Missy Elliott - "Hot Boys"

Close my eyes, ignore the smoke....

Sun, 18 Jul 2004 20:23:19 GMT

Last night I had the "upper hand" which was fun. Garrett is sooo cute. Err, I can't help but have the hugest crush on him. bad bad.

I got home at about 3:30ish and called Denny a little after 4, thinking he'd just be getting home from work. I was right. It's so weird talking to him on the phone and not laying in bed with him and talking. But we talked for a while and I told him about my night. He tells me to kiss Garrett... but I really do think it's bothering him. Regardless of what he says.

Spent the day with Mikey and Denny yesterday. It was fun being with my boys... I miss Brian.

I just got up a little while ago and everyone is gone. Last night when I fell asleep Thom, Andy, Cory, Sean, and Mikey were all passed out in different parts of the house. Now just Mikey is left sleeping on the couch, and me sitting here. All cars are gone too. Err... it's official, now I'm stuck in Jones Valley! nooo...

On the way down, I saw you... and you saved me from myself.

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 02:59:10 GMT

Well I'm actually home right now. I hooked up our computer, finally. I'm also here doing Denny's laundry. Denny's been in a weird mood these last few days. He says he's just not in a good mood.. and I got him to open up a little. The things he said made me cry. I felt so bad for him. He thinks so badly about himself. I wish I could make him realize how truly amazing he is. I just don't know waht to say to him when he says he's a fuck up and is going nowhere. What do I say to that?

I've also been wondering what we are. I haven't really cared what our title is until recently. I just don't know what to tell people when they ask if I have a boyfriend or if Denny and I are together. As far as I'm concerned, I'm taken... but I don't have a boyfriend? I don't know. Last night we sort of talked about it. He says he needs to figure out who he is, where he's going, what he's going to do. He wants me to understand that he thinks it's best he's not with anyone right now, but he insinuated we are together, and he needs me there for him, and he loves me. So I'm still where I was before the conversation. Are we together? I think I've come to the conclusion that we're just Denny and Jackey. Can't explain it.

I've also realized I talk an awful lot about Denny in my journal. Sorry if I bore you all with it... but then again, I'm not, because it's a huge part of my life, and it's my journal.... I just have to talk about my feelings.

Anyway, I've been okay lately. Been experiencing some pretty fun and eventful nights with my girls.

And tonight shall be another one of those nights.

git git.

And another day....

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 06:31:57 GMT

Over at Autumn's with Aut, Heather, Taylor, and Denny. We are going to watch The Butterfly Effect.

I just wanted to stop by and say hi.

I stayed at Denny's last night and I'm staying there again tonight. He and I went to the Sundial Bridge today and I loved it. We went again with everyone again at about 10pm when it was much cooler and it was gorgeous!

Answer me this: Where in the world is it 98 degrees outside at eleven o'clock in the night-time? Oh... REDDING!!! It's so hot here! It got to 110 the other day and at night, it only cooled off to 98! What the heck?

Autumn, I agree... I can't believe summer is almost over. One more month. Where does it all go?

Sarah, how did that line go that was on that jacket you liked at Wet Seal? haha. I can't remember.

hangin' out... down the street

Tue, 06 Jul 2004 07:22:08 GMT

Well I am at Heather's tonight. Last night was crazy. I only got two hours of sleep. People came over, people left, more came over, more left. Denny got off work pretty early and came home and spent a lot of time with me. I took my parents' bed out of their room and put it in the middle of the empty living room. Things got pretty emotional and crazy between Denny and I.

Shayna made me realize the reason I'm so happy is because I've achieved in doing something I've always wanted to do... I've saved someone.

Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that i will probably be out at our Jones Valley house for the rest of the week and my phone doesn't get reception out there. And we don't have a house phone until Thursday. Which also means NO INTERNET!! ahh! i know... sad, but I will live.

There was always something that meant more to you than me...

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 07:01:07 GMT

Well, I'm home tonight, feeling a bunch of different feelings.

+I'm happy that Denny got his place. I'm sad that Denny is leaving me.

+I have so much ahead of me moving to a new home. I have lots of boredom ahead of me being away from everyone.

+I'm relieved my room is packed. I feel empty seeing my empty room.

You know how my number one goal when Denny moved in with me was to make him happy. I ask him occasionally, "Are you happy?" and he would usually say something like, "I will be when your parents don't have to take care of me." So today when we were done moving things into his place, he kind of fell back on his bed in exhaustion. We were laying there and I was like, "So are you happy now?" and he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I am. Thank you." And kissed me. Then we left and on the way home, I was thinking how sad it was that he wasn't going to be in the house with me for our last two days. I said, "Man, I wish I would have known last night was our last night together, or I would have cuddled a little more." And he said, "I'm going to come stay with you tonight when I get off work, okay?"

I love him.

I told his mom that I love him. She was thanking me for being his "mother" these past eight months, and I told her I was sad we were going to be apart and that i love Denny so much.

Just sitting here thinking about Denny makes me want to cry but be so happy at the same time. I can't explain it. He means the world to me. I never thought a boy could mean this much to me. It's insane, really.

Who would have ever thought a 14 months ago, Denny Van Meter, that boy who sat in the back row of political science would come to mean so much to me? That boy who wore black mocasins, a gray sweater, and secretly listened to his head phones in class would become my everything. We talked once in high school. It was in the middle of March of senior year, he walked by me at a party and said, "hey jackey...." and I just remembered thinking, "ummm.. weird. Denny Van Meter knows my name. He just doesn't seem like the type to pay attention to a girl like me. He doesn't even pay attention in class." And I just said hi back, and got really happy that he knew my name.

And then I think back to how he was in September when we first started hanging out. He swept me off my feet. I was determined to make him mine. And then I think back to how he got. He was just this empty person. You could see thru him, literally. He was just existing. But for some reason, I still saw something amazing in him. Look at him now. Look at how far he has come. I am so proud of him.

I've never known what it's like to love someone like this.

Now I know what it's like...

Another white dash...

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 22:27:34 GMT

AND WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO PICK UP THE KEYS TO DENNY'S NEW APARTMENT!!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEK

Sat, 03 Jul 2004 01:13:50 GMT

sometimes good things do happen to good people.

And today is sometimes.

I was getting frustrated because we are having no luck finding Denny an apartment. I finally decided to get out the phone book, flip to the yellow pages, and find "apartments". Of course there's a looooong list of apartment complexes in Redding. I called every apartment complex listed in the phone book. I'm talking every single one. There had to be at least 50. And let me tell you, every place had nothing available. But one place, one place had a one bedroom for 610 a month, which is way over Denny's limit.

So I'm even more frustrated. I decide to get out today's newspaper and check the "NEW TODAY" section in the Classifieds. There are two new one-bedroom apartment ads. I call the first one. A young girl answers the phone and says, "Well my mom's not home right now, can I take downyour name and number and she can call you back when she gets home?" So I'm like, "No problem. My name's Jackey. And she can reach me at _____" and then the girl goes, "Jackey Straub!?" and I'm like, "yeah..." and she goes, "JACKEY!!!! It's Kiley!" (Kiley is one of my little sixth graders. She also plays volleyball and basketball on my team. She's one of my favorites.... oh and her family loves me.) So anyway, she tells me her mom will call me back. Like 30 minutes later, her mom calls me back and says, "Jackey, how awesome you're looking for a place." and then I explain to her that it's really my boyfriend and we're moving and blah blah blah. I give her the spill.

She asks to meet up with her to look at the place. So 20 minutes later, we're in front of this duplex. And Denny likes it!!

Since he is working tonight, I'm on my way to get the application for him. We turn it in tomorrow... and then....