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| Jackey's 10 most recent babblings. Missed some drama? Then simply jump back 10 entries. | |
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LiveJournal for Jacqueline.
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| Saturday, October 1st, 2005 |
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There is something about the fall that gets me in the weirdest emotional mood. I sit down to do homework and I can't even think. Last year, and all the years before, I had a never-ending list of things that I was grateful for and people I truly loved. This year, it seems the list has shrunken drastically. However, the things that are left on the list just seem to be much more important and close to my heart. Here are a list of things and people I am so thankful to have in my life (in no particular order): -Denny, where would I be without him? -My parents and brother, they mean the world to me. It hurts me more than anything to see someone hurt them. -My job, I'm starting to fee like I'm made to work at Macys, as cheesey as that sounds. I do so well there, and can tell I'm so appreciated there. -School, I just wish I was more intelligent to do the things I really want to do.. like Bill Maher. -My extended family, on both my parents' sides, how lucky I am to have so many amazing cousins, who I am so close to. It's like having 50 brothers and sisters. And wonderful aunts, uncles, and grandparents. -My true best friends like Shayna, Sarah, Andra, and Jeanine. Never in my life have they ever doubted me, and have always been there when the rest of the world let me down. Oh and because really, too many other people in my life have just come and gone. But not them. Never them. -My volleyball team, they remind me of being young, when life was simple. They remind me of what a remarkable experience growing up truly is. How special it is to watch these eleven girls since they were in fifth grade to mature and to be apart of it. -Mr. Hall, always been the best mentor to me. Couldn't have done a lot without him. -All the girls at work (and a few boys), I never thought I could become so close with those I work with. The friends at work have become to be some of my closest friends I have. I have to make some of the hardest decisions in the soon months to come. I really need to move to Sacramento, and I want to, too, but it's just that it's going to be so hard to leave these wonderful things and people behind. I don't feel like I'm good enough at one particular subject to major in. And I have no clue what I want to do, and I'm afraid of putting a lot of time and money into school if I end up not doing anything with it. I also decided I absolutely want a baby. Working with Hilary is such an amazing experience. She carries a baby... okay, but really think about it... she carries a baby. It's so neat. She can feel which way the baby is laying, sitting, or stretching. It's like she and her baby have this connection that no one else in the world have. And it makes me realize how much someone's mother really means to him/her. You have this unique bond with your baby that no one else in the entire world can have. How amazing. I want that so bad. I know it's not time for me, yet... but i'm just saying that I can't wait for that time to get here. |
| Monday, September 5th, 2005 |
| Saturday, September 3rd, 2005 |
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Well lots of shit has happened in the last few days. Lots. I definitely have decided to be completely through with people forever. From here on out the only thing in life that matters is my family, work, and school. I'm so happy volleyball started. It just keeps me that much busier. And it's fun. My girls are amazing this year. I can't wait for the season to start. My roommate sucks. She said some really, really, really shitty things to me about the person I am. And she wouldn't stop. I was crying, and it was like she fed off my tears, and got meaner and meaner. It was horrible. She really ruined me. But it will only make me stronger in the end. I was only trying to make things better, and do the right thing. But once again, I got shat on. I'm just over this shit. Get out of my life, and leave me alone. |
| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005 |
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Well I just took a really long nap, and now I can't sleep. So I thought I'd wait up for my baby to get home. I was bored and completely forgot about livejournal. So here I am... I think it would be pretty cool to start writing again. I really should have been writing for this last year. It has been an amazing year. Mainly because of Denny. But also for a few other things. Lets see... -I've been working at macys for over a year now. I'm doing very well there, making lots of money. -I really keep to myself. I stay home a lot. Friends come to me, if they care to be with me. And I've come to find out that those are the friends that really matter. -My brother means the world to me. I've also come to realize that he is the most amazing person ever. Him and Denny. The things Thom says just seems to fit perfectly in my weird little head. He always makes me feel better, and always sticks up for me, which is the best thing. -Denny bought me a dozen roses the other day. It was so special. Seriously, I can't even describe Denny anymore. He is my world. Even though he doesn't always understand me, he's always there for me. He holds me so perfectly, and he loves me so perfectly. We have really changed in the last year, and grown that much closer. -I'm moving to Sac in January to go to Sac State. I'm really looking forward to it. Get out of this town... go somewhere where nobody knows me. Just me and Denny. I'll be transferring to the Arden Fair Macys. My friend I work with is moving with us. Our apartments there are pretty sweet. There are five different pools spread out the entire complex, a workout room, a rec room, it's a half mile from Sac State, and a mile from work. -Volleyball starts tomorrow. -I don't want to be a teacher anymore, as of a year ago. I have no clue what I want to do, but right now my major is leaning toward Women's Studies and Political Science. -I smoke a lot. -My best friend, Shayna, got married the other week. It was beautiful. -I miss my old friends, like Garrett, Sean, and Brian. -Went to a Tom Petty concert in Sac with Jeanine the other night. It was amazing. -Michelle and I met up and talked things through. We're not best friends, or anything, but we really did connect and forgive one another for the shitty things of the past. -I'm really growing up. I'm very, very responsible. I work at Macys full-time, coach volleyball part-time, and go to school full-time. Which leaves me really no free time at all, and what free time I do have is spent doing pointless homework assignments for my Logic class, and spending time with Denny, and smoking lots. And frankly, if you're not in the same boat as me, then I want nothing to do with you at this time of my life. I'm tired of being a kid... it's time to really grow up. And that's enough for now. |
| Wednesday, January 26th, 2005 |
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| I know it's been a long time... I'm starting a new journal, because I'm a new person. I will let everyone know what my new username is. Be sure to add me on my new name. |
| Thursday, October 21st, 2004 |
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I've been seeing my family doctor. I have to see him every ten days. He prescribed me to Prozac. I still haven't started it. I don't know. I can't handle a lot of things. He says I suffer from separation anxiety. I suffer from this from two people: when Denny is at work and I'm by myself at night. And the second is I suffer from being separated from my best friend. He says I'm still attached and blah blah... pretty much telling me I need medication to get over my best friend. He says I'm obsessive compulsive, and have anxiety disorder... who woulda thought? And I have depression. Ick. Knowing that just makes me depressed. I thought of you fourteen times today. I miss you. I'm weak, I hate to admit it. I saw you last night, and things didn't go so well. I tried to call you today, and I knew you wouldn't call back. |
| Thursday, October 7th, 2004 |
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I'm home right now because I bought Fahrenheit 9/11 the other day and my dad is going to watch it... and of course I have to be here when he does watch it so I can see him start to hate Bush as much as me and so I can say, "I told you so..." Speaking of Michael Moore... I've been getting into him a lot more lately. I've always loved him and admired him, but now I feel it's time I really know him and everything he stands for. He is truly amazing. If any of you have time you really should rent his TV show he had on air in 99-2000, The Awful Truth. It's so funny and so great. Michael Moore has done so much for this world, it's so incredible.... watch the show and see just a few of the things he has done. It's crazy what just ONE person can do. It really is. Anyway... on to things about ME. haha. Things are going good. I'm actually happy. I'm over a ton of things, which I really couldn't see happening. I thought I was going to be depressed for a really long time over some of the things and people that have recently decided to leave my life. I don't know how, but somehow I got some kind of closure...or maybe I just don't have enough energy to even care. Maybe it's just the fact that I need friends that can just understand me and the things I feel. I'm in love, and I've found the person I'm going to be with for the rest of my life, and I can't have friends who don't accept that and understand that. I also need friends who will be happy for me and proud of me. I'm finally working... a lot at that. I finally have a car. I need friends to be proud of me for that, not hate me because I work so much and go to school that I have no time to hang out with them. I barely see Denny because our schedules are completely the opposite. But Denny is amazing and understands that, and that's why he's still in my life. He loves me and he's happy for me and he's proud of me. Sarah too. =) Well sorry to blab so much. I guess I will go now. It's weird, because I seem to say this every year... but it's funny how much more you realize about life every day. I seem to wake up more and more every day. I seem to realize who my true friends are so much more often. The ones who stick by me through thick and thin... not just the good times. And the ones who return my phone calls. |
| Monday, September 27th, 2004 |
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So last night I was just sitting there listening to a CD Denny made like eight months ago. And there's this song "Golden Brown" on the CD, and the song reminds me of Denny. It was the first serious fight we ever got in, and I was crying until four in the morning and I got on the computer and he came and sat by me and said, "Download Golden Brown" and I did, and not only is Denny my Golden Brown, but the song just overall reminds me of how Denny has been there for me and what he's done for me and how far we've come. I just started crying. Here's the song: "Gloden Brown" Golden brown texture like sun Lays me down WITH my mind she runs Throughout the night No need to fight Never a frown with golden brown Every time just like the last On her ship tied to the mast To distant lands Takes both my hands Never a frown with golden brown Golden brown finer temptress Through the ages she's heading west From far away Stays for a day Never a frown with golden brown Never a frown With golden brown Never a frown With golden brown At Brian's brother's wedding, he said, "Love comes around only once in awhile, but it's luck that brings you to find each other and if you're not in love yet, I hope you're lucky." and I loved that. It really is luck. If you have someone you love, you're lucky to have found that person. I also have come to believe that people do complete each other. I think that without Denny, I'm only half, and without me, he's only half. Last night he introduced me to his friend as, "This is my better half, Jackey." And it made me feel so warm that he thinks of me as his better half. Someone, wake me up, this isn't supposed to happen to me. There's no way that the love of my life actually loves me more than life itself too. What? Is this for reals? |
| Thursday, September 23rd, 2004 |
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It's been awhile. I've been so busy coaching volleyball, I put in like 25 hours a week at Bella Vista. Then I work about another 25 hours at Macys. Then there's school, which it seems to be my hardest semester. I miss all my friends, and always plan on hanging out, but when the time comes, I'm always just too tired. No one seems to understand that too. It's not thatI don't want to hang out, I just don't want to go out. I'm so depressed. I cry everyday and everynight. I feel bad that denny has to live with someone like me... i'm never happy. But he tells me I'm what makes him happy and he's there for me, which means so much. I feel like I'm losing my only friends. The only people that matter to me. I feel like I'm growing up, and in this process everything feels like it's falling apart. According to my best friend, it IS falling apart. It kills me. I don't want it to fall apart. I can't help that I'm too tired to go out and party. I can't help that I am putting in 50 hours of work a week between my two jobs, and then another 35 for school. Why can't I still be 17 with no job, and only a night life? |
| Monday, September 13th, 2004 |
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IT's been quite a while. I haven't been around a computer at all. I've been so busy too. I rarely hang out anymore because I'm always just too tired. But anyway... just a recap on my life lately: Happy late birthday to my dad, to Sarah, and to Denny! Happy birthday tomorrow to Shayna! Denny and I are together... officially... finally. eeek! I'm so happy. I gotta get going to volleyball. |
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LiveJournal for Jacqueline.
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hungry.
weird.
bouncy.
content.